The Chinese Are Coming! The Chinese Are Coming!

I went to the dentist yesterday.

Normally the dentist isn't a big deal and I thought yesterday would be the same. I was wrong.

I knew something was up when I pulled into the parking lot. My dentist's parking lot is normally a deathtrap of tight spaces, soccer mom vans, and unruly children. Yesterday, there was only one car.

Dentist - 1, Me - 0

Little did the missing cars know that I had something up my sleeve. By not being there, they had given me ample space to fail at pulling my car into a parking spot like any normal driver. The front end of my car, as usual, was approximately a foot to the right of the back end of my car. And I had turned right into the parking space.

Here is an artistic representation of my dentist's parking lot.

Dentist - 1, Me - 1

I went inside, checked in for my appointment, and took a seat. But something was missing. Where were the magazines? There was no Newsweek or Time, not even Central PA Magazine or Senior Digest. I stared blankly at the fish tank while I waited.

Dentist - 2, Me - 1

All was normal until the dental hygienist broke out the pokeys. In case you've never been to a dentist because you don't have insurance, or you just plain don't understand, "pokeys" are the metal hooks that dentists use to poke/dig/scrape at things. Ms. Hygienist started with the usual scraping. The scraping turned into digging at my molars, which then evolved into what felt like my gums being probed for crude oil. This was by far the longest and most excruciating tooth-scraping of my life.

Dentist - 3, Me - 1

After all the scraping, digging, brushing, rinsing, and spitting, Ms. Hygienist said "I'm just gonna go get a little gadget." I knew what the gadget was. They told me it checks to see if you have a cavity, but I've decided that it has a hunger for radioactive mouth-parts. Ms. Hygienist stuck the probe in my mouth and the machine started bleep-bloop-boooooop-ing. I knew it. My teeth are trying to kill me with radiation.

This is where the Chinese come in. My friend has a theory and it goes like this: The Chinese are going to take over. Everything. And it's going to happen soon. I don't know if you've noticed but most toothbrushes are made in China. Everything is made in China. Have you figured it out yet? The Chinese are making radioactive toothbrushes which they are using to destroy our mouths.

Dentist - 3, Me - 1, China - 1

They'll start small and from the inside. A few missing teeth here, an ingrown toenail there (another incident I'm convinced is the work of Chinese nail clippers). Before you know it, our bodies are going to fall apart, leaving the country open for invaders.

Luckily, my dentist caught the "cavity" (RADIATION!) before it leached into other teeth.

Dentist - 4, Me - 1, China - 1

But the only appointment open is August 9th.

Dentist - 4, Me - 1, China - 2

I can't even win against a toothbrush.