Mark is thrashed

I'm currently sitting in my friend's bathroom watching her clean. At 2 in the morning. Here's how the night went down.

There's a reasonably comfy chair for me to lounge on while she swiffers a semester's worth of bathroom dust off the floor. There were drunk people in the living room until a minute ago. Socially awkward Mark was lying drunk on the floor, and he knows my name and work history even though we only had one class together in 2009.

The lesbians may or not be having a threesome in the next room as all this is happening. Socially awkward Mark is shreiking in the living room while Steve and Eileen watch a movie, Lauren scrapes crusted puke from behind the toilet, and an unknown number of homosexual women moan on the other side of the wall. The puke isn't just on the toilet,  it's across the bathroom on the vanity, too. Whoever barfed completely missed the sink and went for the cabinets instead.

Mark is taking an opportunity to discuss the anime girl's foot fetish, and Lauren has moved onto de-clumping the baby powder in the shower. When Mark feels that he has adequately covered all of anime girl's sexual bases, he comes to the bathroom to thank us for the hospitality.

He shreiked.

The sink squeaks when it's rubbed with toilet paper and Lauren makes it known that her dad used to say that her teeth weren't clean unless they were squeaky clean.

Whoever decided that vanilla lavender swiffer pads would go well with bathroom floor crust should be shot, but not now because the bathroom looks respectable and we can all go back to pretending this night never happened.

The Plan

Lucy and I have a plan. We tend to not plan so much for the future, but this is an exception. It requires lots of thought, because every detail must be meticulously thought out in order for the plan to come together. How realistic is the plan? Who knows. Will it actually happen? Of course.

We're going to open an exotic ranch, complete with petting zoo.

Some of the staple animals include giraffes, hereafter known as girafas; zebras, now known as zebers; dik-diks (Google them); and chickens. However, there are a few sticking points between the two of us. I happen to have an affinity for both sheep and alpacas. Lucy does not, and insists that neither species have souls. At dinner one night i jokingly suggested that we "use our horses to herd the soulless critters into the hills and abandon them." She seemed to like it a little too much, which means I'm probably going to have to devise and build a secret woolly creature facility deep in the woods.

Obviously, the ranch is going to have to be big. It also has to have a hill. That's where the girafas are going to live - this will be the African zone. Also in the African zone will be the dik-diks, the zebers, and maybe a gazelle. To the south of the African zone will be the petting zoo, consisting of bunnies, baby chickens (cheep-cheeps), goats, and starfish. Don't question it. I know you'd want to pet one too. To the west of the Hill of Exotic Mammals will be the horse area. Regardless of where the ranch is, the horse area will be Kentucky-themed. I haven't completely decided yet what this entails, but it will probably be a barn tastefully decorated with vintage KFC memorabilia. Horses love that.

We'll be scoping out the perfect location this summer. Our post-Christmas road trip to New Orleans fell through, so it's been rescheduled to August. This should give us about 10 days to traverse the South in search of our ranch. Or ranches. Maybe we'll expand, depending on how business goes in the Carolinas. We've heard Kentucky is nice, and let's be honest, we'll probably be some of the best looking people there.

Just so we're clear, this is going to happen.